A couple of weekends ago, I was visiting my friend and we started talking about the lack of activity on my blog. He was really into the Land Rover restoration stuff, but that’s done so there hasn’t been much. We moved on to the biscuit and tuna reviews, and we realised he could help me cover another category.

My friend is a bit of a gym junkie, and I am very much not. There is a category of product that these people often use, called “protein powder”. There are a bunch of flavours, and since my friend has a side gig importing these sorts of products, he had samples of every flavour in stock and offered to let me try them all and do a writeup. So, here’s my review of every flavour of Optimum Nutrition protein powder.

These are ranked in order, from (personal) best to worse.

Chocolate peanut butter: stirs in relatively easily. Very smooth, strong “not quite peanut” flavour, much like a Hershey’s Peanut Butter cup. I normally don’t like that, but it works really well with milk. A few small floaties, but nothing major. Leaves quite a lot of “debris” on the sides of the glass. Flavour is consistent all the way down, with no weird bits at the bottom.

Double rich chocolate: relatively hard to stir in. Really likes to sit in the bottom edges of the cup. Leaves a lot of globs on the sides of the cup, and floaties. Tastes great though – milk chocolate. Consistent, no weird aftertaste but some sweet residue. Still liked it even after tasting most of the flavours and getting a bit tired of all the tastings.

Extreme milk chocolate: easy to stir in. Lots of small floaties but no big globs. Came out of the bottom edges easily. Basically the same as double rich chocolate, but a more mild flavour and no sweet residue. Very smooth texture and consistent flavour.

Banana cream: somewhat difficult to stir in – likes to sit in the bottom corner. Basically impossible to get rid of the floating globs. Very strong “synthetic banana” taste (like a milkshake), which I happen to like. But it is strong.

Mocha cappuccino: somewhat difficult to stir in – sits in the bottom corner and leaves plenty of clumps. Gentle flavour, only coffee-flavoured as much as an “iced coffee” flavoured milk. Very smooth texture, and consistent taste all the way through.

Chocolate mint: difficult to stir in. Floats aggressively, sticks to corners, and forms a thick layer on top. Taste is quite good though – the powder smells like straight mint, and I don’t normally like mint, but you can barely taste the mint once stirred. If you’re a big mint fan, this is probably disappointing. Flavour is consistent, but the texture was one of the stickiest.

Chocolate hazelnut: very easy to stir in, and doesn’t leave many clumps or floaties. Taste is good, but overwhelmingly hazelnut rather than chocolate. Very smooth texture, and no “sweet” bit at the bottom – consistent flavour.

Rocky road: smells surprisingly authentic – chocolate with marshmallow. Easy to stir in, and didn’t stick to the corners or form clumps. Taste is not very distinctive, I couldn’t tell it apart from chocolate hazelnut if it weren’t side by side. Taste is smooth and consistent though, with no “sweet bit” at the bottom.

White chocolate: Stirs in very easily – no floaters or stuff hanging on to the side of the mug. Smooth, consistent taste all the way down. Quite malty with a fairly mild white chocolate taste – it reminded me strongly of the vanilla flavours. White chocolate is a very personal thing; I like actual white chocolate and also liked this flavour.

French Vanilla Creme: very easy to stir in, no clumps and nothing getting stuck to the corners or sides. Very strong vanilla flavour, and quite authentic too. Very smooth texture, which was consistent all the way down.

S’Mores: relatively difficult to stir in. Congeals and forms floating clumps that are hard to break up, but at least didn’t stick to the side of the cup. Does stick to the spoon slightly. Flavour is good, but odd – tastes like some sort of malty Arnott’s biscuit. Chocolate undertones. Flavour is consistent all the way down.

Strawberries and cream: easy to stir in, with none sticking to the sides, corners, or spoon. Smell is like strawberry Chupa-Chups turned up a notch, but taste is a lot smoother – good balance of creaminess and (artificial) strawberry, with a little bit of the “sharpness” associated with that flavouring. Small amount of floaties. Flavour very consistent throughout.

Strawberry banana: moderately difficult to stir in. Doesn’t leave large floaties or stick to the side of the glass, but does sit in the bottom corner. Texture is reasonably smooth but has a small amount of floaties. Taste is smooth and consistent, more strawberry than banana though.

Vanilla ice cream: easier to stir in. Very smooth texture, no globs on the side of the cup, or floaties. Flavour not great – strong vanilla flavour, but a slightly tangy undertone? And a slightly greasy mouth feel. Weird sweet patches while drinking. Was not happy about having to finish this sample.

Cinnamon roll: moderately easy to stir in. Didn’t sit in the edges of the cup but was hard to “thin it out” and it retained quite a thick (but smooth) texture. Does not taste like cinnamon, more of a weird off-brand vanilla, kind of malty? Left a lot of gloop on the sides of the cup. Taste changed while getting to the end, some of the cinnamon flavour seemed to settle.

Coffee: easy to stir in. A few small floaties and doesn’t stick to the cup. Flavour is more like iced coffee, which is good because I don’t like coffee. Mouth feel is very smooth – it really is like drinking iced coffee flavoured milk. Flavour was consistent all the way through.

Salted caramel: smells aggressively of caramel, and reminds me of the cookies and cream. Does not taste anything like it smells – it’s a bit like French Vanilla Creme, but there is definitely an artificial form of salted caramel on top. Almost like malt? Stirred in quite easily, only formed a few clumps at the top and did not stick to the sides at all. Texture is very smooth all the way down. Mild “sweet spot” at the bottom.

Cookies and cream: very easy to stir in. Did not stick to the corners or sides of the glass, and left no floaties. The flavour, however, seems practically identical to vanilla ice cream, with the addition of small granules of black flavouring. The granules did taste like cookies, but they sank immediately, leaving the flavour not uniform at all.

Delicious strawberry: moderately easy to stir in. Sat in the bottom of the cup a little bit, but not too bad. Left a small number of clumps that were impossible to break up, but otherwise smooth. Powder had an interesting texture – more like sand than flour (which most of the other flavours were). Flavour, consistency and smoothness basically identical to strawberry Nesquik. Unfortunately, there were occasional very bitter pieces even after mixing thoroughly.

Chocolate malt: very difficult to stir in. Very buoyant, so ended up with a thick layer of uncombined goop at the top. Also really likes to stick into the corners of the cup. The mouth feel of this floating goop is quite sticky and hard to dislodge – really needs work to get it all out of your mouth. Sticks to the spoon and leaves unmixed gobs down the side of the cup too. Flavour is alright, it really is what it says on the tin – chocolate with malt. Besides clumping issue, flavour was consistent all the way down.

Milk tea: easy to stir in, with only a small number of floating clumps and doesn’t stick to the corners of the cup. Flavour is awful – a very poor facsimile of tea, with a weird strong overtone that I can only describe as malt but sharper. The flavour is, at least, consistent throughout the drink.